


time's arrow

by AnotherGayEllen



Series: what the hell would i be without you? [4]
Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Act 2, Fear of Death, Gen, HIV/AIDS, Introspection, POV Third Person, Stream of Consciousness, Whizzer Brown-Centric, again we're thinking about death but nothing happens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:07:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27020992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherGayEllen/pseuds/AnotherGayEllen
Summary: Whizzer's existence is coming to an end. Soon. Death is such an ineffable thought it’s almost laughable.Or; Whizzer thinks about time, death, and existence.
Relationships: Mentioned Whizzer Brown/Marvin
Series: what the hell would i be without you? [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1934221
Comments: 8
Kudos: 19





	time's arrow

Whizzer and Marvin had agreed to take it slow this time. Do this one day at a time. Because this time around, they weren’t so afraid; of being found out, of each other, of themselves. 

This time around, there was no ticking clock above their relationship, counting down to the moment the bomb of their fear and anger and resentment, would explode. No, this time, they would be patient. They would talk and they would listen and they would grow, together, no matter how long it’d take, because it’s what they both wanted; and because they had  _ time. _

Now, isn’t that just hilarious?

The metaphorical ticking clock of their relationship had been replaced by literal counted days of Whizzer’s life. Well, even that isn’t quite right, as the doctors pretty much have no idea how long he has. He could be dead anytime now. 

Anytime.

It’s so absurd it feels impossible to process. How is he supposed to? How do you even react in a situation like this?

Death. It’s such an ineffable thought it’s almost laughable.

What seems to make it so hard of a concept to grasp is that Whizzer’s won’t be here to miss his life when it’s gone. Can you say you’ll lose something when there won’t be a “you” to have lost it?

It feels slightly comforting to know he won’t be able to miss his life after it’s gone. He won’t feel anything. Won’t hurt or grieve. There will just… Have nothing. Not for him, not as him, not anymore. 

It hits him that that’s the scariest thing he’s ever thought of. 

Not existing.

Maybe he should grieve his life now, then, while there is still a “he” to do so.

Yeah, feeling sorry for yourself, that feels like a great way to spend your last days. No, Whizzer would rather not spend his last moments in existence moping around. 

It’s the last lap before the finish line, he better make it count, right? Well, it’s not like there’s much you can do stuck in a hospital bed, getting weaker by the minute. 

He misses his own warmth, his body is so cold now. Whizzer has started to miss a lot of things in the past few months.

The funny thing is: since Whizzer’s days have been counted, he finds himself with a tremendous amount of time. Not to actually do things he’d want like travel or have any fun whatsoever, but to sit in a hospital bed reminiscing about everything he misses and all the things he’ll never get to? For that he has plenty. So moping it is, I guess.

Whizzer thinks about how the sun will still come up after he’s gone, just like he has after billions of other deaths. But it’s hard to picture it because - he’s never seen the sun that wasn’t from his perspective. Yes, the sun exists outside of himself, but it was always there, for him, through his eyes. Be it leaking through openings of his bedroom curtain to wake him up early in the morning; shining bright above him as he walks through the busy streets of New York; or now, congratulating Whizzer for another day he hasn’t died, by coloring his otherwise dull hospital room a golden light. For Whizzer, all of the times there was sun, there was himself. Somehow, the sun will still exist without Whizzer’s perception of it. 

_ If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? _ \- Whizzer had always thought that question to be dumb. He gets it now. 

Whizzer hopes they’ll be ok after he’s gone - his friends, his family. Well, not too ok, he wants to be missed, of course. Selfishly, it makes him feel somewhat good to think he’ll be so dearly missed. But he worries about them. They’ll be the ones who’ll have to pick up the pieces when he's gone. 

He thinks about Marvin, puts himself in his lover’s shoes. Whizzer doesn’t know what he would do if Marvin passed. Though that may not be a fair comparison, considering how much of Whizzer’s life  _ is _ Marvin. He knows he could get into an actual argument with him over this, but it’s the truth. Marvin is Whizzer’s whole world.

Whizzer was a very lonely person before Marvin came into his life, though he didn’t know it at the time. He thought he liked it that way. Marvin, Jason, they showed him that he didn’t. That’s what made the last two years so much lonelier, he knew what he was missing.

Jason, Cordelia, Charlotte, Trina, Mendel; he wouldn’t have any of them if it weren’t for Marvin. Not to say Marvin himself isn’t more than enough, he is just so grateful that he gets to share all of Marvin’s life, as well. The world that has grown to be Whizzer’s over the last few months can only be his and Marvin’s. Their first time around, Marvin made Whizzer want more out of life. The second time, that’s what he gave him - more. So much more than Whizzer would ever let himself want. He fears maybe Marvin doesn’t know that. How grateful Whizzer is for him and for sharing his world with him. He'll tell him, if he has the time.

At least he got to spend his last months, before he came to the hospital, in a life he loved; at least he’ll get to spend his last moments surrounded by people he loves. That’s more than a lot of people get. 

Isn’t that all we can really hope for? We all know you gotta die eventually, there’s no way around it, isn’t what matters what you do with the time you have? Whizzer lived his life, probably more than some people ever will. He met people and he explored places and he loved. He loved Marvin and Jason and his friends and life. What more could he ask for?

**_Time,_** the clock above his head reminds him.

Yeah. 

Yeah, time. 

He could ask for more time.

It’s funny, his thirtieth birthday is right around the corner, in about three months. Whizzer had always dreaded his thirtieth, the official goodbye to his youth; he used to say he didn’t plan on turning thirty. 

He laughs. Because it’s the funniest thing in the world. He won’t turn thirty after all.

He cries. Because he’s so scared. He won’t turn thirty after all.

The sun has set, and Whizzer quietly wonders if it’ll be here tomorrow. 

He hears the clock ticking above him.  


_ Anytime. _

**Author's Note:**

> it's not an anothergayellen fanfic if it's published at 2 am (my 2am, probs not yours)
> 
> well, I'm back to my philosophy bullshit, also known as deep existential dread projected onto characters I care way too much about
> 
> this fic is part of a series but it's paralleled by "there is no other side. this is it" the first of the series, so if you liked this one, maybe go check it out 
> 
> thank you so much for reading, hope you liked it, kudos/comments are much appreciated <3
> 
> title from Bojack Horseman's episode of the same name (see? even the titles of the fics come from the same show, wow)


End file.
